Navigating Life's Struggles and Starting Anew After Divorce and Loss

It is time to start a new chapter in my life by getting out of survival mode and finally start living my best life. This time around, I’m putting myself first and learning to love myself for who I am. Don’t get me wrong, I still make plenty of mistakes along with having my fair share of bad days, we all do, but that’s all part of the journey. Nevertheless, I have to give myself some credit, compared to the darkness before, I have come so far. Not long ago, I had to accept an apology that was never given, so I could begin to forgive myself and heal from years of trauma. It certainly wasn’t easy and nothing changed overnight. Truthfully, to see how many aspects of my life the anxieties affect has caught me off guard. After being so displeased with so many aspects of my life, I put my head down and dedicated myself to losing the weight I’ve put on since I was a young adult. Though it has been anything but easy. Life did what life does best by throwing another hardship my way, which has certainly interfered with my motivation. Even though it wasn’t an unexpected tribulation, I stumbled more than I prepared myself for. During times like these, I have to remind myself that everyone has struggles, and it’s those struggles that make us who we are. Some days are harder than others; it’s undeniable that the hardships can become progressively more daunting as everything starts to pile up. However, I don’t want to give up, I’m not going to give up, so I’m determined to get motivated once more. These short bursts of motivation aren’t worth it anymore, they always leave me feeling even worse. Feeling like you’re moving backwards makes it even harder to start again. Building a source of motivation that lasts, finding something I really want to fight for will be an important step for me in this journey. Because running off of anger only works for so long, I need something that will keep me going no matter the adversity that stands in my path. 

Recently, I’ve overcome one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In order to allow myself to move on from my divorce and the 30 years of trauma that came with it, I had to accept an apology my ex-husband never gave. Even if he never offered me an apology, even if he’s not sorry for anything he did in the past, I had to let myself forgive him. Although, I didn’t do it for him, it was for my own best interest to allow the hate to no longer consume me. Despite him no longer trying to save our marriage, I’ve chosen to never play the victim. Doing so would mean he’s gotten his way again. By letting go of our history, he can’t control my life any longer. One of the circumstances of my past I still struggle to understand is why did I let my ex-husband mentally and emotionally abuse me for so long? I would have never let a man physically abuse me, yet he still ended up controlling my life. Looking back, I suppose it was because it all happened so gradually. Personally, I relate it to the parable about the frog in boiling water, you misguidedly convince yourself a situation is harmless until it’s too late. Now that I’m able to look back at everything with a clear head, I can see that he was manipulative from the start, even before our marriage. Foolishly, I thought the warning signs were just because we were young. I was hopeful that the situation would work itself out because we were in love and together, we’d make it work. Throughout our entire marriage, I was convinced that he loved me. Due to this, he was easily able to use my lifelong struggle with depression and self-hatred to benefit himself. This allowed him to control my thoughts and emotions against me. Even though my ex holds a lot of the blame for the development of a sizable amount of trauma, I have to take some of the blame myself. Constantly blaming everyone will never be the path to self-improvement. If I wouldn’t have ignored the warning signs, or excused his behavior for so long, maybe I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my life. Not only did he wrongfully convince me I was powerless, I also made myself powerless. He took advantage of my own weaknesses to take my dreams away, and, until recently, I was never strong enough to think I deserved anything better. 

During my marriage, I normalized so much of my trauma. There were so many issues that I ignored for 30 years, things that still affect me daily. As a result of what happened throughout my marriage as well as the months following the divorce, I was convinced that no one else would ever love me. Sometimes I still worry that it is a possibility, it’s a concern that has plagued me for so long. Why does it seem like no one ever chooses me first? A few months after the divorce was final, I attempted to have a romantic relationship with an old friend from high school. Despite my best attempts to work through everything, it was obvious that my past traumas were going to rear their ugly heads in any new relationships. I was willing to work through those obstacles and communicate the problems my baggage posed, but he virtually disappeared after our first minor road bump. My self-sabotaging thoughts of being unlovable only increased at the heartbreak and lack of any real closure. I’ve always given more love than I tend to receive. Even though I’m aware of this fact and recognize it’s a part of who I am, it still hurts to be pushed to the side so easily. Just once, I would love for someone to put me first, to give me as much as I give them. But, if I’ve never wholeheartedly loved myself, how can I expect anyone else to do the same? 

Both the anger and bitterness from allowing my doubts to control me for so long has been my biggest push in becoming a version of myself I was too afraid to be. Determined to finally change something that has consumed my life for so long, I began to improve my eating habits and focus on increasing physical movement. After a year of effort, I was so proud of myself for losing 120 pounds. My grandpa had been a huge source of my motivation, especially during the divorce this past year. While his death wasn’t unexpected, it still destroyed me. It felt as if my entire world had come crashing down around me. He had been my hero for almost my entire life; just a single hug from him was enough to make everything seem better. For so long, the resentment of wasting so much of my life on someone who didn’t deserve it was my greatest strife, but it was quickly replaced with the anguish of losing my hero. In spite of my best efforts at holding it together, I found myself stumbling backwards, falling into my old habits again as I ran on autopilot for weeks. Eating clean was no longer a concern, and when you don’t even want to get out of bed, finding the motivation to exercise is extremely difficult. 

As of writing this, it’s been almost three months since my grandpa has passed. I’ve been taking steps towards getting back on track with my goals, albeit it’s been a slower process than I hoped for. Unfortunately, finding something capable of keeping me driven for more than a few days has been incredibly challenging. I know my grandpa would never want me to give up on my goals, and even though I miss him as well as his words of wisdom, it’s up to me to push myself now. He’s no longer here physically, but I know he’s always with me. I’m going to prove to him that I can do this, no matter what it takes. 

Our hardships shape who we are, how we overcome our trials defines us, and while our future isn’t certain, it doesn’t have to be scary. While there are always going be hard times in your life, it’s important to remember that if you try hard enough it’s possible to find a reason to keep moving forward. There will always be a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to fight for it. On days when I feel like I can’t go on anymore, I ask God to grant me forgiveness, courage, love and guidance, so that I may be able to pick myself up again and live to fight another day.  You can’t let the darkness win. There is no one size fits all approach to personal growth and healing; what works for me might not work for you. It’s all about trying as many things as possible until you find something that sticks. I truly hope that the community we create here will be able to help all of you along your journey. 

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What have been your struggles so far and how have you worked through them? Or what are some things you do to motivate yourself when things get tough? I have a tattoo on my wrist that says Never Give Up, sometimes it’s just the little push I need.  It helps to have something physical to look at to remind me of my goals. Do you have anything like that? I’d love to hear your stories and feedback, let me know in the comments or join us in the forum!